The first few weeks can be light, carefree and a lot of fun, then as the weeks roll over, you start to develop feelings, you wonder if they feel the same way, do they want to take it further, become exclusive? I find that 8-12 week mark to be quite challenging… we want to be open, let what will be, be, go with the flow… but we are also mindful of protecting ourselves from possible hurt as we don’t know this person in depth, or their intentions. And this is where boundaries come into play.

A friend recently suggested that I had too many rules and restrictions around dating. I hadn’t thought of myself as having rules, as I tend to think of rules and restrictions as negatives, however I think my friend was referring to my ‘personal boundaries’ regarding relationships. What is and isn’t acceptable behaviour to me.

Boundaries differ for everyone, after having very weak boundaries for many years, mine now are quite clear, I even have them written down, so that I remember to always stay true to myself. After dating someone new for a couple of months, I will check in with myself, to see if I am maintaining my personal relationship boundaries. Are there red flags popping up that I am choosing to ignore? Could I be more leaniant in a certain area? What is my gut instinct around this particular boundary, concerning a certain person?

While my boundary list is lengthy, it consists of some of these types of statements:

“I am only responsible for myself, I can not control another person’s thoughts or feelings towards myself”
“I will only be in a relationship where I am treated with, and can treat my partner with love, care, affection, trust and respect”
“I will not wait around for an extended period, for someone to make their mind up, if they want to be with me”
“I will only be in a relationship with someone that values myself and my son”
“I am honest at all times, but conscious of other people’s feelings”
“I ask for what I need and I am comfortable with walking away, if my needs are unable to be met”
“I will not settle, just because I feel lonely”
“I do not tolerate lying, betrayal or cheating in any form”

Everyone’s boundaries are different. If like myself, you’ve had long term relationships where honesty wasn’t as important to your partner as it was to yourself, and you’ve recognised and addressed your needs, then your boundaries may now be rather rigid. If you have only ever been in loving, supportive, healthy relationships, your boundaries may not need to be so strong.

When our personal boundaries are weak, we tolerate less then we deserve. We believe we are worthy of receiving less than we should. We convince ourselves that it is ok for people to treat us in certain ways, just so that we don’t lose them. Whether that be with the attached guy who has no plans to leave his partner, or the girl we’ve been seeing for 12 months who is just unable to commit, or the relationship we have been floating along in, that we don’t really want to be in, but it seems better then the alternative of being on our own. Our boundaries are tied to our worthiness and self esteem, when we truly know that we are worthy of more… of love and connection, a healthy fulfilling relationship, our boundaries will reflect that.

The thing with boundaries is, they are useless unless we enforce them. It is ok to be flexible in our boundaries allowing them to bend a little as you get to know someone, however if you are noticing continual patterns of broken boundaries then action needs to be taken, to maintain then. And maintaining them can be hard. We may really like someone and want to continue seeing them, yet if they are treating us disrespectfully and we keep overlooking this, it will only continue in the future and may show up in more extreme ways.

I was recently dating someone that I really liked, the type of person that made me smile every time I saw their name pop up on my phone. I was more than happy to explore, where this dating relationship could lead, however a few little things kept coming up for me and I started to notice a pattern. I put myself in a vulnerable position and let them know that I wasn’t interested in a casual based relationship. I was interested in getting to know them better, spend more time with them, meet friends, deepen our connection… Unfortunately it didn’t go the way I had hoped, it happens… and I am being ok with that.

We can’t control how someone feels about us. What we can control is our self and how we react to information once received (or lack of information)… The thing about being vulnerable is knowing, that when we have those conversations, we have to take action if we don’t get the answers we want. I guess that is why people often avoid the hard conversations… sometimes it feels safer to keep our head in the sand, then hear the truth and have to do something about it.

We could let the relationship continue in a ‘casual’ format (or whatever the situation is) for a while longer, knowing our needs are not being met, though that can then lead to us feeling needy and insecure. Or we can take action early, and stand in our boundaries. If the situation is not what we are wanting, we need to be prepared to admit that to ourselves and walk away.

I’m not saying it is easy… standing in our boundaries can hurt, and maintaining them definitely sucks at times…. however, we are treating ourselves with respect and letting others know what is acceptable for us.

As writer/researcher Brene Brown quotes “choose discomfort, over resentment”, meaning that being uncomfortable for those moments of a difficult conversation, or saying no to something we don’t want to do, can lead us to not feel resentful in the future, for permitting something we weren’t entirely comfortable or aligned with. I know from experience, that it hurts a lot more to find out information 6 or 12 months down the track, that we then have to do something about, or spending two years in an on and off relationship, that has no clear definition.

I now prefer to uphold my standards, my personal boundaries, trusting that even though it may hurt, I am doing what is best for myself, putting myself first, remembering myself and my worthiness. Becoming clear in relationship, work/business and friendship boundaries can save much heartache and stress, enabling us to be stronger, more compassionate and loving beings.

Why not take some time to ask yourself a few questions related to your own boundaries. Am I permitting something I am unhappy about? Am I being honest with myself? Do I go along with things I don’t want to do? Are my needs getting met?

With love, Rebecca

“Definition of Personal boundaries – guidelines or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards him or her and how they will respond when someone steps past those limits. They are built out of a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. ”