After actively dating on and off for over 12 months, I must admit I’m feeling rather exhausted by the process. Don’t get me wrong, it has been a lot of fun, lots of great conversations, dinners, coffees, connection… and I’ve met some great men, amazing, brilliant men, gorgeous, single men… Who just don’t know how to be available and are not emotionally ready… Some of them, not even giving themselves a three week space between relationships. Perhaps they are thinking they will just have some fun and then they’ve accidentally met someone great… but they are not ready .

When I meet people who aren’t ready, I often think, what would happen if we gave ourselves three months minimum break between relationships… 12 weeks…. Think about it, it’s really not that long. I’m not suggesting hitting the town and drowning memories and hurts with alcohol and running a muck with friends… Well do that, by all means if it calls to you… but how about some time spent in reflection, feeling those feelings, assessing why you feel the way you do. Identifying the part you played in the relationship – how could I have done that better. What would I do differently next time. Releasing baggage, so the next partner isn’t labeled or treated the same way… Or releasing assumption, just because one person behaved a certain way doesn’t mean the next will. When we cling on to ideals and limiting beliefs we are not allowing ourselves to be fully open and accepting of someone new.

Developing self awareness is an amazing attribute. Really being able to look at yourself, assess your thoughts, feelings and emotions. To step back and ask ‘why am I thinking this way, this emotion is coming up for me – why? I’m being triggered here – why is that?’ When you can develop self awareness, you can become the master of yourself and your actions. You can ‘choose’ how to react and respond to others, you know when you are ready to meet someone new.

I know many men and women who date to fill the void. My partner left… I’ll just go on a few dates and that will keep me busy, I’ll just suppress those aches in my chest, by thinking of someone new or several someone’s. With little regard for the person they are dating, who might actually develop feelings for them. But in that state of being hurt or unhealed or just not giving ourselves enough space… we don’t notice how amazing this new person is… Or we do and wake up just in time to say ‘whoa where’s this going? I’m not ready for someone like you’. Someone who’s done the inner work, who’s healed, who is on the market, excited and ready to open up to love, only to be rejected by another who is not emotionally available.

I see it a lot, I see it in me. Sometimes it does take multiple meetings/dates to work the situation out, by then feelings and future tripping are well under way. There is merit in staying present, being mindful, not get carried away… but living open hearted is sometimes not easy. With an open heart we want to accept that the person in front of us is genuinely ready for love just as we are.

I’m not an expert on men, I realise we are wired differently. I understand that some find the quickest way to feel better about oneself, is to date someone new, give that ego a quick boost, repress any unresolved feelings, issues, resentments. Even if you walked away unhurt by your last relationship – a little space to clear is not a bad thing. It helps you to remember who you are, what you like, what your hobbies and passions are, sometimes we get lost in those long term relationships, we don’t recognise ourselves by the end of it. The amount of people that I’ve asked the question, ‘What do you like to do in your spare time, what lights you up, what are your passions or hobbies’ that haven’t been able to answer, is staggering. Some will say that they are looking forward to finding out, now that they are single. I say, find you! Find what you love and be interesting to yourself and the next person you meet.

If you’re unavailable emotionally, you are closed off, you are less willing to open up and be vulnerable with someone else. Vulnerability creates connection… When we are in that healed place where we can talk about the past and not get choked up, feel bitter or resentful, when we we can talk freely about it, positively and know we’ve truly let go, we can be really open to someone new.

Heart healing is acknowledgment. Acknowledging the end of the relationship, acknowledging the hurt, the loss, the loss of the future. Acknowledging that perhaps that person was just not meant for us. When you can release, forgive, wish them well, you are healing. When you are not comparing you are healing. When you’re open and willing to let love in, regardless of the possibility of being hurt again, you are healing. You are doing the inner work… why not give it a go next time  🙂  Love Rebecca