Are you the ‘Yes’ girl (or guy)?
Where does people pleasing come from? How does it show up in relationships, friendships, parenting, dating, work, business? How do we break patterns? Some of the questions I’ve explored lately…. Like most lessons, even when we think ‘I’m good with that’, sometimes certain patterns show up again, for deeper lessons to be learned.
People pleasers are the ‘yes’ girls (or guys)… the ones that are always there to help out, the friends you know you can count on, who never let you down, the ones that do whatever is asked of them. What’s so wrong with that?
It might sound like being a people pleaser isn’t too bad, we are nice, accommodating and we want to help others. If we are going to have an unhealthy pattern, I could think of worse to succumb to. Yet, constantly pleasing others takes a toll on our health. We become exhausted, burnt out, over-committed, overwhelmed, anxious and stressed. We take on too much, with little time for ourselves. We can often neglect our own health, while taking care of everyone else’s. We can experience feelings of guilt, for saying no.
Pleaser’s have fears of being disliked, rejected and abandoned. From my experience most have low confidence and look for ways to make others happy, and in doing so don’t always value themselves. We feel our worth is boosted by helping and keeping other’s happy. Which comes back to seeking our validation and approval from others, that we are worthy of being – rather than knowing that we are worthy just by existing.
I wasn’t aware of my people pleasing patterns until I was in my 40’s… don’t even get me started on perfectionism 😉 All my life I always tried to do my best, look my best, present the best work, be the best daughter, student, friend, girlfriend. As I share my story, you may notice similarities in yourself.
As a child
In a family with four children, I was the oldest and from a young age I helped my parents, I did what I could to make their life easier and I saw nothing wrong with this. I kept my room tidy, I made the other’s breakfast, I took in a cup of tea to my parents every morning at 6.45am on the dot. I had a list beside my bed that I ticked off every day to make sure I had done everything I needed to do, before I left for school.
I was aware that I liked to do the right thing, I didn’t like to go against authority, I always did the best job that I could, and I liked the fact that I was the ‘good girl’. I didn’t rebel as a teenager, I remember only a couple of arguments with my parents, and one detention at school. I even remember as a teen, having my sister angry with me, for not rebelling enough and making it harder for her 😉
I learned when I was little, that by being good, I made others happy. In reflection I see that striving to always be good, was my way of getting attention and praise from my parents and teachers, that consequently allowed me to feel special and valued.
In friendships
My friend’s knew that I would never say no, they wanted help, I was there… need a ride, I was the designated driver to call upon. A friend requires a party invitation designed.. I was the girl. As for birthday’s – you should see the cakes that I can whip up. As much as I love baking and taking requests for friend’s favourite cakes, making several cakes a month became exhausting (not to mention the weight gain).
People pleasing can lead to feelings of resentment, we want to help out, but rarely ask for help ourselves, therefore become exhausted trying to do it all and ultimately resentful of the very people we are helping.
Brene brown has a great saying, which I adopted a few years ago – ‘Choose discomfort over resentment’. Brene suggests to take time before responding to requests, even if it is only a few minutes to think about how that request is going to impact on your time…
“If I make the dozen cupcakes for the event tomorrow, I will then have to go to the store after work, purchase the ingredients, bake the cakes after my child’s homework and dinner, clean the kitchen, stay up late to wait for them to cool down and then decorate them”. It is all time, and if we have the spare time and are doing this without obligation and without fulfilling our own needs of wanting to be accepted and valued, that’s great – make the cupcakes!….
In Relationships
Even though I was the ‘good girl’ the choices I made in men as I grew older… were the bad boys. I was attracted to those that were the opposite of myself, the ones that rebelled and didn’t care much for rules. Maybe the unowned parts of myself… perhaps I unconsciously longed to rebel and that’s why I made the choices I did in partners.
You would think a goody two shoes girl would choose a grounded partner, perhaps a kind accountant or a caring teacher maybe…. nooooo not me. My last long term partner thought that the same rules and laws that applied to everyone else, could be bent for him, naturally I found this rather infuriating and was constantly triggered.
I can see how by always choosing to put others first, created a lack of disrespect for myself. I was shown disrespect, because I didn’t respect myself enough.
In relationships people pleasing may look like toeing the line, not wanting to do anything to rock the boat, doing everything to keep the other person happy. Walking on eggshells or being excessively mindful of our words and actions at all times so as not to disappoint our partners, for fear of them leaving. And if they left how would we feel – abandoned, unlovable, unworthy.
People pleasing in dating can involve ignoring red flags, saying yes to someone we really don’t want to go out with, rather than hurt their feelings thinking ‘it’s just one date, it will be ok’. We all know how those scenarios work out 😉 It may be continuing to date someone who isn’t right for us, but don’t want to hurt them by breaking it off. Once again we are keeping others happy instead of taking care of us first… not honouring ourselves and trusting in ourselves or valuing our own time. We may think we are not hurting them, but it really just comes down to not wanting to risk their disapproval and disappointment. People pleasing in dating may also show up as not being completely ourselves, pretending to be someone or something we are not, for fear of them not liking who we really are.
In Parenting
How does people pleasing appear in parenting? Well this one I’m learning now, the hard way… Sometimes I imagine what karma I’m playing out to have such a strong willed son, often thinking ‘but I was soooo good as a child, it must come from his dad’s side’… and yes, some of it does. Yet some of it comes from me as well. Being unaware of my people pleasing ways when he was young, involved finding it difficult to discipline consistently. When he was really little, I found it hard to scold him, with him being so cute and adorable, I didn’t want to see him hurt by enforcing too strict consequences.
To a person who never used to say no, having a son that reacts every time the word NO is said, has been challenging – know wonder I’ve felt so triggered!
Once again it comes down to not wanting to disappoint, in this case feel the disapproval of this other being, even if he was so young.
We’ve all heard the expression ‘Super Mum’, how much of this do you think is about people pleasing? Even the title ‘Super Mum’ sounds exhausting – being everything to everyone, a wife/partner/girlfriend, mother (or single mother) raising well behaved children, making healthy meals, having careers, earning money, immaculate housekeeping, participating at school, exercising, helping with homework, extracurricular activities, play dates, volunteering at events, throwing parties…. How much of that life do we actually enjoy and how much do we do, because it’s what we think we are suppose to and that it’s what others expect of us. We put so much pressure on ourselves, but eventually something has to give.
At Work
People pleasing at work, for me was not being able to say ‘no’. It was always meeting deadlines and working long hours to do so. For years I said yes, yes, yes…. However during a tough time in my personal life, I began to realise the pressure of always saying yes, and I started to rebel…. and started saying that word… NO. I don’t think it was received very well, but it had to start somewhere.
In business for myself, it played out as not wanting to let down my clients or potential new clients. I was saying yes to every single project that came my way, to the point where I was working day and night and a lot of the weekend.
A few years ago I did recognise how detrimental saying yes was becoming and I gradually learned to start saying no to the projects that I didn’t want to do. I learned that the projects I didn’t want to do were always the most difficult ones. The ones where that little red flag is waving saying ‘umm I don’t think you should take this one on’ but you do – and then it ends up taking double the time quoted because the client didn’t know what they wanted and didn’t like what you gave them, which leads to more resentment and frustration…
People pleasing in coaching may just show up as wanting to help ALL the clients and not just my ideal audience.
Moving on
So how do we move past people pleasing. The first step as always, is awareness… becoming aware of how we are behaving, how we are responding, why we are doing what we are doing, why we are saying yes – what are our motivations – is it to be liked and feel wanted?
Once we have awareness, we can pause and make choices. We can choose to say no, and put ourselves first. Initially we might find it difficult saying no. However once we do, most of the time it is really not that hard. The demanding client may turn around and say ‘oh that’s fine, whenever you have time’ or the friend won’t be shattered if we can’t make dinner ‘we can do it another time’. It’s usually not as big a deal, as we make it out to be.
Like any habit, it takes time to break. People pleaser’s are conditioned from a young age to say yes, therefore saying no can produce many fears within us. Fear of failing, disappointing, rejection, abandonment or making a mistake. When we recoginse that these fears can lead to guilt, resentment, frustration, ill health, anxiety and depression – it’s time to take steps in putting ourselves first and setting some healthy boundaries. (I have a great blog post on boundaries you can read here)
The basis of people pleasing in my eyes is to do with worthiness. When we feel worthy within ourselves and loved just for who we are, we no longer need to adopt these yes girl /guy persona’s so that others will notice how worthy we are. We don’t need to be liked by everyone, and we won’t be. We just need to do what makes us happy, instead of what makes everyone else happy.
With love
Rebecca xo